I start off this show badly — Saturn gas leaks into my studio — which effects the show.

I make the announcement that this week I am holo-decking down to Earth and that the Bean and I are going to Disney World! I bitch about people who feel the need to share with us that they do not like Disney World. I do not care what you think. And even if you really don’t like Disney, why the hell would you be so rude as to openly tell me you do not like it when you know I am going there?

I miss Bill Clinton. Remember when we had a President who could actually talk? While I do miss him, I mention that he really “blew” it when he got messed up with Monica Lewisnky. I think the world is too hard on Monica Lewisnky. She was only a 20-something intern who was seduced by the most powerful man in the world. Who wouldn’t have done what she did?

I feel sorry for her and she needs a break.

I play a funny clip from the Armed Forces Radio Network.

I plug two great podcasts:

Matt Blender’s Okay So Radio and Lucky Bitch Radio podcasts.

I notice a trend. I seem to like the gay podcasters better than the straight podcasts. As a straight man, I wonder why that is. I conclude that the gay podcasters are just funnier and witty. Straight people try too hard to be Howard Stern — and there is only one Howard Stern.

Speaking of Howard Stern — the Bean and I went to see Jackie “The Jokeman” Martling in concert this week. IT WAS THE WORST SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Jackie was trying out a new show — that involved almost no comedy and a lot of folk singing. At $27 dollars a ticket it was an outrageous waste of money.

Do not forget to send in your scary e-mails and MP3’s for the special SATURNcast HALLOcast. Send your spooky mo-jo to saturncast@gmail.com.

Call and leave me a voicemail for the SATURNcast! (206) 338-2154

Songs played on this episode for the Podsafe Music Network:

“Mass Media” by Mark Heimone

“Summertime” by Brother Love

 Rings of Saturn #9: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I had a very draining day today. Life on Saturn is a life, but it is a hard life.

I am too tired right now to write much.

How was your day today? People don’t ask people how their day was much anymore.

That is a shame.

P.S. Yes my nose looks ridiculous today, and yes, people asked me what happened to it.

P.P.S — Don’t forget to send your scary audio files and e-mail to me at saturncast.com for the special SATURNcast HALLOcast podcast.

Why talk about world politics and national concerns when we can discuss something that is really important?

Me.

My cat, McKinley Roosevelt Cat, came with me when I moved to Saturn. I love her very much, but she is an asshole sometimes.

Take today for example.

I went to give her a kiss on her head before I headed out to my observatory. She took her paw and scratched me across the entire bridge on my nose. Being a facial cut, it bled and bled and bled.

Now it is scabbed and everytime I touch it (I can’t help myself) it bleeds some more. I may be brilliant, but I am human. I bleed people, I bleed.

I bore with the earth-shattering and soul-crushing news only because I just looked into the mirror and I am horrified. A simple cat scratch to the nose makes me now look like Rocky Marciano after a fight with Joe Lewis. How did this happen? Why always this stuff to me? Why?
Now you may be saying, that is too bad and all Christiaan, but quite frankly, how does this affect me in my personal day-to-day life?

It doesn’t.

But I am the one who has to go out in public tomorrow with this nose.

So instead of being selfish, could you at least sympathize with me for a minute?

Dear Mr. President:

Come take a walk with me. . . (groan)

I want to tell you that you did an excellent, excellent job dealing with that Fox News/Chris Wallace ambush.

Well, Mr. President, it wasn’t really an “ambush” per se, you had to know that was coming. I mean you didn’t really think Fox News would have you on to talk about your Global Initiative, did you. (I didn’t think so)

I have to say, seeing you in action brought me back to the old skool days when we had a President that could actually speak the English language, speak it well, and use it effectively.

Don’t you love how Chris Wallace is now pretending like he was “attacked” by you? Like he was sitting there, all innocent like, and you just “exploded” out of the blue.

Poor guy.

I love that Chris said “A lot of people have e-mailed me this, so I am forced to ask you this question.”
I get a kick when reporters ask a loaded question, and, when you respond well and call them out on their B.S., they try and turn it around by cutting you off and act all put off that you are reacting to their “tough question”

You are right, Fox News would never ask George Bush that question, and if they did, George Bush would never have responded as well as you did.

Bush’s response to a question like that would be something like this:

“Well, Chris, you see, 9/11, um, er, 9/11, terrorism bad, and well America and the troops and global, and 9/11 is tough of terrorism and 9/11 and supporting the troop is God Bless America.”

Or something like that.

I didn’t always agree with you when you where President, Mr. Clinton, but I like your style and I miss you.

It did take your opponents five years to really come out swinging that you are to blame for 9/11. But you knew that would happen eventually.

You probably have been preparing for this for awhile.

The only problem with your recent interview is that you made Fox News and Chris Wallace relevant in the news cycle for a few weeks. But I guess that was unavoidable.

My guess is that your opponents will back down on this “Blame Clinton” angle for awhile. You are effective at striking back at this.

You know who I blame for 9/11? Osama Bin Laden. That is who I blame.

Good Job.

Sincerely,

Christiaan Huygens

P.S. I love your middle name. Who has a middle name like “Jefferson”? My dog’s name is Jefferson. I am embarrassed to tell you though, I named her after Thomas Jefferson, not you.

 Bill Clinton: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

As a loyal SATURNdiary reader, you know that I can not stand the media — and reporters. They think they are God’s special ( and very intelligent) gift to the world.

Here is another thing I can not stand about the news media:

We all know that it is election/campaign season in the United States. Candidates from all shapes and sizes are running campaign ads.

We are not stupid people. We can see, hear and read these ads for ourselves and make our own judgments.

Yet every single paper and news show gives us their brilliant “take” and analysis on each and every campaign ad.

Newspapers take up a lot of ink and space running their irrelevant commentary on political ads.

I think it is insulting and stupid.

And no one mentions the fact that the media charges campaigns to show and print their ads. Then the news media turns around and makes a story out of it to sell papers.

And who is reading these campaign ad stories other than the campaigns the news stories are about?

What a bunch of nonsense.

As you, my loyal readers and listeners know, I am always on the lookout for interesting and unique podcasts.

Check out Matt Blender’s podcast, and especially the episode in which he reads a short story he wrote about a boy trying to please his father.

Good stuff.

This is why I love podcasting — you can try out new and different things, and share with others what is important to you.

Support podcasters (and if you are up to it, do your own!)

I start off the show with some poetry read by Charles Bukowski. He is writer I just discovered by watching a documentary about him on Showtime.
I am really, really impressed by his poetry. I am embarrassed that I did not know about him until now (he died in 1994.)

I mention that a combination of Artie Lange, of the Howard Stern Show, and watching this documentary of Charles Bukowski, really choked me up.

Artie Lange this week admited he had a heroin addiction and Charles Bukowki, while brilliant, was a big drunk.

I admit, to you, my loyal readers and listeners that I am an alcoholic with over one year clean and sober.

I guess you would call this “a very special” SATURNcast episode.

I talk about my final day of drinking and the hospital stay thereafter.

I wouldn’t have made it without the help of my wife, the Bean!

I am happy living a sober life.

If you think you have a problem — don’t be afraid to ask for help before it is too late. It is not a joke.

I lighten things up by talking about Amanda Congdon’s new project, Amanda Across America. I do not know if I like it yet. I am not so sure if I like video blogs.

I talk about art. It is different for everybody.

I treat you all to some Christiaan Huygens “audio art” So-Ho here I come!

MY NEW VOICEMAIL FOR THE SATURNcast IS 206-338-2154 Call me if you want to be on the show.

I mention how beautiful the Space Shuttle landing was when it landed in pitch blackness this Friday. Made me proud of the space program (at least for a little bit)

Niice Lady sends in a niice e-mail to the Saturncast.

I give a big shout out to the Poptrash Radio Podcast. Kendra and Davy know how to do a great podcast.

Don’t Forget I Need Your Voicemails, E-mails, and MP3’s for the Special SATURNcast HALLOcast for Halloween. Anything weird, or scary or strange ever happen to you? Let me know so I can play it on the SATURNcast! My email is saturncast@gmail.com.

Bean will be on the HALLOcast!!!

Songs this week from the Podsafe Music Network:

“Addiction” by Poptart Monkeys

“The Drinking Game” by John Maxfield

 SATURNcast Rings of Saturn #8: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

You know I really think radio is dead? In five years no one will be listening to it. It just simply isn’t relevant anymore.

One of the many reasons radio is dying a slow death is because people are out there, on their own, making excellent podcasts.

From time to time I will point out to you, my loyal listeners those podcasts I like the most.

Today I want to rant and rave about the Poptrash Radio Podcast — which is dubbed “Southern Fried Pop Culture Podcast Comfort”
Your southern hosts for this podcast are Kendra and Davy and they are funny and clever.

They dish about — you guess it — pop culture. And they discuss everything and anything in a very interesting and witty way.

Listen. What else are you going to listen to? The radio?

I have mandated that the Poptrash Podcast is required listening on Saturn.

That is a big deal.

I my live on Saturn, but it doesn’t mean I do not take advantage of the public library system.

I love libraries. Not only are they free, but I really enjoy taking my time picking out the books I want to check out. It is great way to kill some time — and you do not have to be afraid to take chances on reading a book you may not like — it’s free.

Do you know some libraries even have coffee bars and wi-fi access now?

It’s great.

One very bad habit I have though is I never return books on time. Everytime I go to the library I have to go to the desk of shame and pay my library fines; no credit, no checks — they only take cash.

When you disrepect the MAN you have to play by their rules.

Anyway, I normally do not check out music or DVDs. At least on Saturn, the selection sucks and it is too much of a hassle to check out.

Well, last month the Bean and I were going on a vacation in the Adirondack mountains. There is no TV reception up there and I wanted to add to our DVD collection that we were bringing up there for the cold, long Adirondack nights.

So, I check out some DVDs at the local Saturn public library. One of my selections was Seven Samurai — I love old japanesse movies and I have never seen this classic.

One problem, when I went to play ther movie, while I was on vacation, the DVD was not inside the jacket cover. I was bummed out, but no big deal (or so I think)

I leave a note inside the jacket of the DVD stating there was no disc inside and I return it to the library when I got home from vacation.

Then it began. . .

Phone call after phone call from the library asking where the disc was.

I called to explain but it did not work.

Then the letter came demanding the return of the disc.

I now live with the shame that my local public library thinks I stole Seven Samurai for my own personal gain.

I have a very black mark on the public library computer. My library card has a freeze on it.

No library for me. . .

And it is one of thise situations in which the more you try to explain yourself, the more guilty you sound.

And I wonder why they think I would want to ruin my library karma by stealing an old crappy edition of Seven Samuris that looks like it was released in 1985.

Only I would get into a situation like this.

I am always getting screwed. Click on my notebook above to see my discussion on how I got screwed out of my Saturn moon discovery.

Is it any wonder why I am so bitter?

Christiaan Huygens

(The smartest man you never knew)